By Cameron Coutts, organisational psychologist and podcast host.

COMMENT ON THIS ARTICLE BY WENDY LAMBOURNE, LEGITIMATE LEADERSHIP: When we hear the words “we are like a family”, as Legitimate Leadership we typically find an organisation where there is too much care and not enough growth. An organisation where relationships are overly affiliative, standards are low, and management is seen to be weak – and hence is taken advantage of. Cameron Coutts describes the differences between a team at work and family very clearly. He also gives cogent advice on how to develop a high-performing team rather than living with a dysfunctional family.

THE ARTICLE: If you believe that your company “is like a family” … then you probably have a toxic culture. When you treat your co-workers like family, you can:

• Become overly tolerant of poor performance, excuses and emotional outbursts – just like your typical entitled teenager.
• Avoid hard conversations to keep the harmony but become passive-aggressive and start complaining about your team – just like the probably-going-to-get-divorced couple.
• Have very centralised and authoritarian leadership – just like the “because I said so” parent.
• Be very unclear about what’s expected of you – just like the “ask your mom” dad.

I know you have good intentions when you say “we’re a family”. You want your people to have tight bonds. To have each other’s backs.

But this perspective often breeds the problems many families face that aren’t appropriate, healthy or productive in the workplace.

Thing is, there are very few families out there that don’t have some degree of dysfunction. We’re often told to just accept this dysfunction “because we’re a family”.

This is just not appropriate thinking for the workplace.

Look, even if you have a really healthy family dynamic, a family is different to a team because:

• You can’t choose your family.
• A family often makes sacrifices for one another.
• You can’t replace a person when they die.

But in a team:

• You choose who you hire or where you work.
• You do what you are competent at, what is expected of you, and you can choose to go above and beyond.
• Everyone is replaceable but nobody can be cloned.

Remember: a family is expected to co-exist and survive. A team is expected to collaborate and perform.

If you want to have a high-functioning team instead of a dysfunctional family, then start doing the following:

• Think of your team like a sports team where everyone earns their place, is expected to work for the team and not for themselves, and where there are consequences for not performing (eg getting benched).
• Have hard conversations with the goal of improving the team, not “fixing” the person or situation.
• Get rid of the people that are dragging you down. People are “weak” because their strengths don’t fit the context they’re in. Give them a chance to find the right context.